Children Waiting for Families Now!

Ababa and I are thinking and praying and talking and researching and trying to determine what is possible for our family (we both very much want more children soon, but the realities of only having 2 small bedrooms, childcare logistics and expense in NYC, both of us working, both of us being in school, and B's young age and unique needs, make starting another adoption at this time challenging).

We are looking into different waiting child situations, as well as learning more about domestic infant adoption and adoption of legally freed children in the fostercare system.  We want to grow our family, we know that there are children who need families and whose only and best option is to be adopted, and we want to make sure that our desire to grow our family is not creating situations that negatively impact children or first/birth/expectant families.

As we grapple with these issues, I wanted to highlight some children who have been heavy on my heart.   If you are a family seeking to adopt, maybe these children are meant to be in your family!!!  Despite all the above issues, if Ababa and I were both confident that we should move forward to pursue one of these situations now we would, but Ababa we are not both there yet so, until we are both ready, it seems clear that these children are not meant for us, at least not right now.

As with everything in adoption, please ask questions, verify paperwork as best you possibly can, and demand verbally and in writing that your agency be transparent.  Ask where your money is going, how your child came into care, why they need to be adopted, why their siblings don't need to be adopted, why their birth family couldn't care for them, what their special needs mean for them and for your family.  Require written receipts for all expenses, meet with in-country staff when you are there, ask hard questions, and try to discern the truth, even if it is not what you want to hear.  

Adoption is a hard and complex process whether it is happening internationally, domestically, and/or through the dense red tape of social service organizations and governments.  There are a lot of grey areas and a lot of hot button issues right now as some of the seamy, unethical, and grey areas increasingly come to light.  Please move forward with your eyes wide open, advocating for children but also seeking the truth and working to improve life for all children, including the much, much larger number of children for whom adoption is not an option.  I am not necessarily condoning any of these agencies, but want to advocate for these children, and for waiting children in general.  With those caveats, please consider these children.  

I know that there are families waiting at other agencies who have specifically requested children with these parameters.  Consider switching agencies to pursue these children rather than waiting to adopt a child who has not yet been born, or who is not legally free for adoption.  

I know that these children are just the tip of the iceberg in terms of children who are waiting for families now, but these are the children who have been in my heart recently.

Sibling group of 4 ages 8, 6, 5, 4 (Boy, Girl, Boy, Boy) in East Africa-Children's Home and Family Services

Brothers, ages 3.5 years old and 8 months old, the younger brother is HIV positive, in East Africa-Children's House International

Baby Girl-1 month old, Spence-Chapin waiting baby with probable significant alcohol and drug exposure

K, girl age 9 in New York Case # 6601100766 (adoptuskids.com)

J, boy age 7 in Texas Case #TX0151295(adoptuskids.com)


Sibling group of 3 ages 8, 6, 5 (Girl, Girl, Boy)link

Register for rainbowkids.com to view profiles of waiting children internationally and in the US. Visit adoptuskids.org to view adoptable children in the US Fostercare system.  Consider infants who have significant risk factors (but make sure that you know what those risk factors can mean for the child, for you, and for your family) Waiting Babies.  Call agencies and AAAA attorneys to ask if they have children waiting for families.

Think about it...pray about it...find out some more information...maybe you are meant to be their family?

Great Post re International Adoption...please read this!

This is one of the best posts I have read on what the need for internationally adoption really is...

Sister Haiti (follow the link as the comments are great, but I pasted below in case you are lazy like me:-)

The New Faces of International Adoption?

For several months, I’ve been thinking about a blog series on unrealistic adoption expectations. Off & on, I’d draft rough notes on the topic. But in the last week or so, I’ve really gotten motivated to move forward with the series. One of those motivators was seeing the new movie “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”.  I knew that one of the couples in the movie adopted a child and I was eager to see how that was portrayed in the movie.

Wow. What a disappointing, unrealistic portrayal of international adoption. I know it’s Hollywood, and we shouldn’t expect much, but still, this kind of thing only serves to increase the unrealistic expectations of first -timers thinking about adopting internationally.

(Slight spoiler here for anyone concerned.) The desperate-for-a-baby mother and the freaked-out father choose Ethiopia.  Just a few days or weeks (!) later they get a referral for and a picture of an adorable, six week old, perfectly healthy baby boy. There’s an “awwww,” from the audience, of course.  Months later they travel to Africa and arrive at the care center with a large group of other adoptive families (each and every family carrying an infant baby carrier!). There is a short ceremony where they all stand in a line and repeat an oath about caring for the child and keeping them in touch with their Ethiopian heritage. They then exchange a lit candle for their baby and are pronounced to be a family. More awww’s from the audience.

Easy enough right? Apparently many people assume so.

Here’s a (paraphrased) conversation I had with a prospective adoptive family not too long ago. This is a conversation I seem to have over and over again:

Excited Family: We are really interested in providing a family for a baby girl from Uganda!

Me:  Well, baby girls aren’t usually available for international adoption in Uganda unless you are open to fairly significant special needs. Are you open to adopting a child with special needs?

Somewhat Less Excited Family: Ummm…no….I don’t think we’re equipped to care for a special needs child. We’re really hoping to adopt a healthy baby.

Me:  OK, well, that isn’t possible from the Uganda program. Most orphaned baby girls in Uganda are now able to be adopted in-country.

Deflated but Insistent Family: Umm, ok. But you know, we really feel called to provide a family to a child in need, and we feel like we are supposed to adopt a baby who is sitting in an orphanage waiting for a family. Cause, you know, there are 147 million orphans in the world. We want to make a difference. What country should we be looking at…? 

You see where this is going?

I have absolutely nothing against this family or other families who start out their adoption journey the same way. We shouldn’t be mad at them. Most of the time, they are sweet, concerned families who truly don’t understand that these aren’t the children that arewaiting to be adopted.

Many of these well-intentioned families have seen their friends bring home healthy infants for the past 10 years from China, Ethiopia, Guatemala, Vietnam, etc. They’ve heard the statistics that there are 147 million orphans in the world. Perhaps they went to a Christian conference where leaders were shouting from the rooftop that it’s a Christian’s duty to rescue one of the millions of children waiting in orphanages. Certainly they’ve watched the popular “gotcha day” videos where teary-eyed moms hold their babies for the first time and read the popular blogs. Understandably, they dream of similar videos and blogs of their own. It’s no wonder these families are fired up and ready to rescue a baby. Except that in reality, these waiting, adoptable “healthy” babies just don’t exist.

Friends, it is time to paint a more realistic picture of what international adoption looks like today.

I am not aware of any adoption program, anywhere in the world where healthy, adoptable infants are sitting in orphanages waiting for families.

The fact is that there are far more families wanting to adopt healthy babies than there are adoptable healthy infants. In the U.S. I have heard that right now, for every healthy, adoptable infant, there are 20 – 40 families waiting.  That’s right, families waiting for babies, not the other way around.  I’m assuming this statistic is for white infants. I have recently heard that the wait is less for African American infants.  I don’t have numbers on internationally adopting families, but I know typically they are waiting several years for the “popular” countries.

I suppose there are always going to be families lining up for years to adopt babies, and I’m not going to tell someone that it’s necessarily wrong to do so. I tell the families who contact me that if they are completely set on wanting to adopt a healthy baby, and only a healthy baby, they need to get on a waiting list with a reputable, ethical agency and be prepared to wait a long time.

Or, they can shift their mental expectations from a “perfect” baby  to one who might not make Hollywood’s casting call.

I don’t feel that it’s ever right to try and guilt-trip someone into adopting, but it is good to offer people different perspectives and to challenge preconceived ideas. Not every family can or should adopt a special needs or an older child, but I would ask those families who say they “really want to make a difference” to think about ways in which they can make the biggest impact on one of the thousands of desperate, adoptable children who are waiting, waiting, waiting, right now.

Some of the conditions in which these sweet children wait are unimaginable, and it’s not difficult to find their heartbreaking stories online if we really want to know what life is like for the less than perfect. These are the children with the lists of diagnoses you didn’t check off on your home study checklists. They’re the kids with the not-so-cute referral photos, but who are often old enough and bright enough to understand that they aren’t wanted because of their age or special needs.

Many of them live a tortured existence in adult mental institutions. Some of them are diapered and tied to their beds for the rest of their shortened lives. Can you imagine any child tied to a bed for years? No love or caresses, no kind words, no intellectual stimulation of any kind. And all because they are considered “retarded,” untreatable or sometimes even cursed in those countries.

These children are waiting right now. While people are lining up to adopt babies who won’t even be born for three more years, these children are growing up without a family and some of them are dying because no one will consider them.

Why? Why aren’t more families saying yes to these children?  Without passing judgment, without blaming anyone, I’m just really feeling that it’s time we in the international adoption community begin to bring this issue to the forefront of our discussions.

I’m interested in what kind of ideas and discussions a series on special needs adoption will stimulate. I’m thinking that a follow-up post might be on the most common reasons people give for not being willing or able to adopt older/special needs children and how regular families, just like yours (and mine), have gotten past these obstacles and are providing families for waiting children. I’m really interested in hearing from all of you.

Thanks so much for reading –and considering.

(Please take a look at this beautiful video recently released by Rainbow Kids! )

Mommy Wars? Mommy Wishlists Are Way Better!

This was too good not to share!  Add, "I hope to raise a son who has a joyful, personal, and unwavering saving faith in God" and this pretty much sums up my motherhood wish list:-)

Am I mom enough? A motherhood wishlist.
By Kara Baskin on Boston.com

It’s so tempting to get riled up by the Mommy Wars, isn’t it? The Time magazine cover story about extreme parenting, Are You Mom Enough?, featuring a beautiful mother in skinny jeans nursing her preschool-aged son, is infamous by now. It made me, along with the rest of the Internet, explode with righteous indignation. Mom enough? How dare they! This isn't a contest! But, wait ... what if it is? And I don't even own skinny jeans!

The story also made me think about what I wanted to teach Andrew—I mean really teach him. I’m not talking about the trendy must-dos that crop up each year about feeding and sleeping and discipline, insecurity porn concocted just in time to fill a fresh generation of parents with self-doubt. No, I’m talking about the things that I want to impart in average, totally inextreme moments, when my breasts are covered and my skinny jeans are in the wash.
Here’s my wish list.
I hope I raise a child who says “thank you” to the bus driver when he gets off the bus, “please” to the waiter taking his order at the restaurant, and holds the elevator doors when someone’s rushing to get in.
I hope I raise a child who loses graciously and wins without bragging. I hope he learns that disappointments are fleeting and so are triumphs, and if he comes home at night to people who love him, neither one matter. Nobody is keeping score, except sometimes on Facebook.
I hope I raise a child who is kind to old people.
I hope I raise a child who realizes that life is unfair: Some people are born rich or gorgeous. Some people really are handed things that they don’t deserve. Some people luck into jobs or wealth that they don’t earn. Tough.
I hope I raise a child who gets what he wants just often enough to keep him optimistic but not enough to make him spoiled.
I hope I raise a child who knows that he’s loved and special but that he’s not the center of the universe and never, ever will be.
I hope I raise a child who will stick up for a kid who’s being bullied on the playground. I also hope I raise a child who, if he’s the one being bullied, fights back. Hard. Oh, and if he’s the bully? I hope he realizes that his mother, who once wore brown plastic glasses and read the phonebook on the school bus, will cause him more pain than a bully ever could.
I hope I raise a child who relishes life’s tiny pleasures—whether it’s a piece of music, or the color of a gorgeous flower, or Chinese takeout on a rainy Sunday night.
I hope I raise a child who is open-minded and curious about the world without being reckless.
I hope I raise a child who doesn’t need to affirm his self-worth through bigotry, snobbery, materialism, or violence.
I hope I raise a child who likes to read.
I hope I raise a child who is courageous when sick and grateful when healthy.
I hope I raise a child who begins and ends all relationships straightforwardly and honorably.
I hope I raise a child who can spot superficiality and artifice from a mile away and spends his time with people and things that feel authentic to him.
I hope I raise a child who makes quality friends and keeps them.
I hope I raise a child who realizes that his parents are flawed but loves them anyway.
And I hope that if my child turns out to be a colossal screw-up, I take it in stride. I hope I remember that he’s his own person, and there’s only so much I can do. He is not an appendage to be dangled from my breasts on the cover of a magazine, his success is not my ego’s accessory, and I am not Super Mom.
I hope for all of these things, but I know this: None of these wishes has a thing to do with how I feed him or sleep-train him or god-knows-what-else him. Which is how I know that these fabricated “wars” are phony every step of the way. I do not need the expensive stroller. I do not need to go into mourning if my "sleep-training method" is actually a "prayer ritual" that involves tiptoeing around the house in the dark. This is not a test. It’s a game called Extreme Parenting, and you can’t lose if you don’t play. And, really, why would you play? You have children to raise.

Waiting Families vs Waiting Children

Lara at The Farmer's Wife Tells All had an interesting post today entitled "Children are not Commodities"

I typed a very long comment, which it turns out was too long for a blog post comment (oops!) so I thought I'd paste it here:

Lara-I am so glad that you prompted this discussion.  10 months ago I became the mother of an amazing son who is now 3 1/2.  My husband and I feel beyond blessed to be his parents.  The past year has had many ups and downs, many challenges and blessings, but it is an amazing journey as we are knit together as a family.

We were shocked that our then 2 1/2 year old son was a waiting child.  He was (and in many ways still is) such a baby. As first time parents who suffer from unexplained infertility we started the process thinking we would adopt a baby; then we thought a baby or young toddler; then we thought a baby, toddler, or preschooler...and then we learned about waiting children and were matched with our son--who was one of 7 2-4 year old waiting boys and 3 young boy-dominant sibling groups who were also waiting at that agency.

Since children needing adoption in Ethiopia (our son's birth country and the system we are most familiar with) are roughly 50-50 divided between girls and boys, and since young girls have a higher likelihood of being adopted domestically in Ethiopia, it was very surprising to us to see so many waiting boys. Then we became more observant on adoption listserves, blogs, yahoo groups, etc. and realized it seemed that the vast majority of adoptive families have narrow parameters requesting infant girls (0-6 months, 0-12 months, 0-18 months, or under 2) as healthy and as young as possible, followed by healthy infant boys (usually under 0-6, 0-12, or 0-18 months).

There are many, many challenges in adoption as a system/process and they are exacerbated in adoptions between a developed country like the U.S. and the developing word.  From large-scale political/social/financial agendas on the country to country level to the individual dynamics of money, power, and influence between first families and adoptive families, and everything in between.

I think that we would all agree that children need families.  They need love and care and nurturing and hope and faith and all the amazing things that come from being part of a family.

I also think that we would all agree that we don't want to take a child from their first family if they want and are able to care from them, or from their birth country if loving, stable families want and are able to take care of them...

but, adoptions typically fall on a spectrum between these two scenarios.  There are many grey areas, and often making things "better" for one child can negatively impact more children (here is one small example of how that can happen): LINK

The comparatively huge amount of money and resources that adoptions by families in countries like the U.S. bring to adoption players in developing countries, especially orphanages/orphanage workers, can incentivize orphanages to offer children for whom there are the most demand to U.S. (or other powerful, rich, and developed nations) rather than working aggressively towards family reunification, in-country adoption, and/or long-term, sustainable, effective models of orphan care which can have a positive impact on far greater numbers of children than international adoption.

As much as I hate to describe it as such (b/c as Lara pointed out, in reality, children are not by any stretch of the imagination commodities) when it comes down to it, adoption is a very simple business of supply and demand.  If the demand is for infant girls, that is what agencies and in-country orphanages are going to try and supply--that's how they make money and support their operations.  The aforementioned financial/social/political/power inequalities will only serve to negatively reinforce this.  There have been, and continue to be instances of fraud, child recruiting, falsification of paperwork, etc.  In my mind, adoption agencies should be the gatekeeper, going out of their way to not push pressure on in-country staff or orphanages to supply children that fit within certain parameters, as well as to verify children's paperwork and information to ensure it is true...but that is not currently the case.

By requesting very narrow parameters (such as "healthy infant girl 0-6 months") families create pressures on adoption agencies who create pressure on in-country staff who create pressure on in country orphanages who seek to fulfill that demand, and thus begins a very uncomfortable reality of grey areas, and blatantly not grey areas, surrounding child recruiting, false abandonment, incentivizing relinquishment, actively working against in-country adoption, failing to provide for "unadoptable orphans", etc.

In my mind, the main driving issue in his equation is potential adoptive parents having such specific requests.  If the majority of adoptive parents were limiting their adoptions to "nine year old boys with cerebral palsy" it would have a similar negative effect...but they are not...the majority of families are requesting healthy baby girls.  Since we know this is the case, and since we have the power to help mitigate the irresponsibility and greed of many adoption agencies by researching the most ethical agencies we can find, demanding more stringent standards (in ensuring children are not referred until their paperwork is complete in country, they are legally free for adoption, and ensuring that their paperwork is accurate and verifiable), and not putting pressures on them to deliver an overwhelming majority of a certain type of child (e.g. infant girl 0-6 months), why would adoptive parents make such a narrow request?  Furthermore, in pregnancy one cannot choose gender or health of a child, so why should one be able to in adoption?

I will say without reservation, that I don't think there is any place for gender selection for waiting families in adoption, that age requests should be very broad (I would suggest at least three or four year spans, e.g 0-4, 5-9, 10-14, etc.), and that adoptive parents should carefully, thoughtfully, prayerfully, and intelligently consider the negative impact that narrow parameters can have, particularly on adoptions from the developing world.

I fully agree that God can call one to adoption and will admit that there is a possibility that in very rare instances that that call could be as specific as "healthy infant girl 0-6 months", but I also think that far to often the "call" that we hear from God can be the voice of our own fears/desires/insecurities.  God doesn't call us to "care for the infant girls" He calls us to care for orphans and widows and it seems that they are the ones who are most underserved in the current adoption system...

Why are legally freed, adoptable children around the world and in the U.S. waiting for families while families wait for years to be matched with an infant?  What call from God do you think the waiting children hear?   I am willing to bet that it's not "healthy infant girl aged 0-6 months" and more along the lines of "God sets the lonely in families".

This is a polarizing issue for adoptive parents, and prospective adoptive parents.  I say all of this from a place of having adopted an Ethiopian child and as a mother who is currently seriously considering beginning a second adoption (Ababa is still not totally on board so we're not ready to move forward yet--I'll keep you posted:-).  We do not feel called or equipped to specifically pursue the adoption of a child with severe special needs or who is a teenager at the time of placement (Ababa's upper age range is 3-4 years old and mine is 10), so clearly we have set some parameters and are praying and thinking about what that would mean if/when we move forward with another adoption.  We are grappling with these very real issues too!

Help Orphans and Vulnerable Children in the DRC!

I volunteer with an organization that works in the Eastern region of the Democratic Republic of the Congo to help provide care for orphans and vulnerable children.  Tumaini/Reeds of Hope specifically works with children whose mothers have died and whose families are temporarily (and in some cases permanently) unable to care for them.

The purpose of Reeds of Hope is to care for children during the critical infant/toddler years (when a can of formula can cost more than several months wages)...literally saving these children from death.  Children are reunited with their families as soon as possible, usually by age 5 and ideally between 1-2 years old.  In some circumstances, these children are not able to return to their families (and they are not eligible for adoption for a variety of reasons) so Reeds of Hope provides for their ongoing care and school fees.

Tumaini/Reeds of Hope was founded by a dedicated and capable woman, Holly Mulford, who lived in the DRC for 4 years and adopted twin daughters while she and her husband (who was the in-country director for the NGO Food for the Hungry) and two (slightly!) older children were living there.  Her tireless work through Reeds of Hope has transformed the orphanage.


There was already a main donor for the orphanage.  But because of trouble fully funding the orphanage's needs, the babies were not getting full strength formula, they were not getting any formula after 6 months old, little to no milk was given to any child over age 6 months, and there were about 2 mamas (caregivers) to 30-45 babies and toddlers!  This meant children couldn't sit by age 14 months or walk by age 2 1/2 because of malnourishment and under-stimulation.


Reeds of Hope provides sponsorships that provide formula for babies, fortified milk for toddlers, school fees for older children, and 7 additional mamas to care for the children, and is fully funded by donations.  All funds (minus the Children's Hope Chest processing fees) are directly used for orphan care in the DRC.  There was recently a significant influx of infants to the orphanage (because the local Congolese are beginning to recognize that children at the orphanage are now living and thriving and getting the care they need during the critical early years when formula/feeding/infant care is often financially, emotionally, and logistically impossible for the grieving single fathers and extended family).

We need your help to continue serving these children:

• 14 more partial sponsors at $25/month (or just 7 more sponsors at $50/month)

• $1700 for school fees for more than 80 children (the trimester that begins in August).  This includes high school and university fees for a few older children, as well as books, uniforms, and tuition for younger children.

Tumaini/Reeds of Hope is almost done with its 501c3 certification, but in the meantime, is accepting tax-deductible donations through Children's Hope Chest.  Please consider supporting these vulnerable children and families.  Your gift can literally make the difference between life and death!  

PLEASE DONATE

Ababa and I are making it our mission for the summer to try and raise the fall school fees.  This is a huge stretch for us but we are going to try.  So...stay tuned for info regarding a tag sale:-)  If you are not local to NYC, or don't need any more stuff:-) we would be thrilled if you would consider making a donation here just post "August School Fees" in the notes section.

Hey, That's too much...!

We are super busy:

work (yay! Ababa is now working as an EMT and I am preparing for a star-studded multi-million dollar Gala)

school (I am rapidly approaching finals and Ababa is in the thick of semester lab projects),

and just trying to find time to enjoy our life as a family of 3.

Overall, we are all doing well.  But we'll be really, really happy to get through May/June!

B is doing fantastic! He's a funny, quirky, awesome little boy.

He has a bit of  mommy crush (which I kind of love) and always wants to be part of the mix if Ababa and I hug or hold hands or, heaven forbid, have a quick kiss:-)  He made it quite clear yesterday morning when Ababa gave me a hug and B let it go for about 1 second and then came running over yelling, "hey...HEY!  that's too much! THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!" and then started trying to snuggle up in between us to be part of the hug.  Ah, my little man, he's got quite the personality.  We love him so much!!!!  We just about busted a gut laughing after we hugged him close.

Easter weekend we went to visit my Grammy and Granddad.  I needed to get money out of the ATM for tolls before we left so I had B hold the flowers we had bought for my Grammy.  Well, B thought they were too heavy and was not too thrilled at holding them, "oooph, mommy, dis is HEAVY!" and gave me such a priceless look that I just had to take a picture.

And, here's what he looks like when he's happy:-)  Just so you know that his face didn't freeze like the flower picture:-)

Attachment Therapy

We went to attachment therapy today...we weren't sure what to expect, but it was great!

One of my professors in January just welcomed his second daughter through adoption from China over Christmas.  We were talking and he mentioned that they had found this attachment therapist to be really helpful when their older daughter joined their family, so I got her info.

After a significant game of phone tag b/c our phone availability absolutely did not mesh:-) we saw her this morning.  We just wanted to make sure that we were on the right track and to get some feedback/strategies to deal with a few specific questions/situations.

She was really helpful, respectful, insightful, and had specific and pragmatic suggestions.

Neither Ababa nor I had ever been to a therapist of any kind, so we weren't sure what to expect.

I had emailed her a full history of B and of our past 9 months as a family so that she would have some context ahead of time, and I included some specific questions we had.

We were 15 minutes late to the session (thank you Second Avenue subway construction! grrrr!!!)  but she was calm and gracious and engaged.

B played with a young social worker at the end of one hall, with the door open, and we sat in a living room-like room at the other end of the hall and spoke to the therapist.  

I thought that the first part of the session would be more of a play therapy/observation kind of thing, but she only observed our brief interactions arriving and getting B settled in the playroom, it was really more of a sit and talk kind of session.

Yes, there were phrases like "fully evolved" and "ego has been strengthened"bandied around, but all in all it was very practical.  It was also very nice to have most of our parenting choices affirmed and to get professional feedback that we are doing what's best for our child to help him grow and develop.  Overall, she thinks B and we are doing incredibly well, are securely attached, and are in a great place, but, as with all families, especially those with complex situations like adoption, there is work that can still be done.

We talked about some specific questions we had and got some interesting answers, here are a few highlights (disclaimer, I am not a professional, this is my understanding of the professional advice we received, every child and family is different):

Co-sleeping: As we thought, this should continue for as long as needed, and it is definitely still needed for our family.  She stressed that we should trust our intuition and we'll "know"when B is ready to sleep in his own bed at night, and it might not be for several more years and that's ok.  We are going to take it one month at a time (as much as we love snuggling with B at night, the thought of co-sleeping until age 8 or 10 is not really attractive to us:-) 

B doesn't get out of bed to come and get us if he needs anything (a big indicator that he's not totally comfortable/secure, and a significant detriment to night-time potty-training, sleeping in his own room at night, etc.).  He has started getting out of bed during nap sometimes to play with toys but he won't come get us.not ever.not once.not for potty.not for a drink.not if he feels sick.never...one suggestion she had was to take the toddler rail off of his bed.  Although he clearly has the dexterity to get out of bed with it on, she suggested that perhaps it is emotionally a reminder of orphanage life where he was most definitely required to quietly stay in bed and not ask for things (we saw this first hand).  She also said it might just take more time, and that's ok.

We have been faltering about how to tell B his story, the story of his birth, his first family in Ethiopia, and his adoption story.  I tend to overshare and make it too detailed for a 3 year old to understand (he understands that he grew in his Enat's tummy, but for some reason he also thinks I grew in Ababa's tummy!) and Ababa tends to not talk about it much.  She helped us find some language that strikes a good balance and that we're both comfortable with. She suggested that 3 year olds need really simple concrete language like:

 "Your ____ died and is in heaven now.   ______ took care of you but then they couldn't take care of you anymore so you stayed at the orphanage.  Sometimes you were happy and sometimes you were sad. Then mommy and daddy found you and we are a family now, forever and ever and ever.  Mommy and daddy love you so much"

or

"Your _____ lives in Ethiopia.  It's sad that we can't see them now.  Someday when you are older we can go and visit them." 

or

"Babies grow in their Enat's tummies.  You didn't grow in mommy's tummy, but you grew in mommy's soul.  Mommy will love you and take care of you forever and ever."

One scenario she described (which doesn't relate to B's situation, but I thought it was such a great example I wanted to share) is what to say to a child who is conceived through a non-consensual situation. 

I thought it was really helpful to see how the explanation unfolds so that it stays age appropriate but also builds a clear foundation so that it is not a shock for child to learn of these circumstances when they are older.  Of course ages/exact words are approximate:

-Age 3-your birth mommy and birth daddy didn't know each other (or didn't know each other very well)

-Age 6-your birth father didn't grow up in a house where he learned right from wrong. 

-Age 8-Your birth father didn't have good manners

-Age 10-Your birth father didn't ask permission to make a baby with your birth mother

-then when the child is a teen they can learn more details/terminology

She said that you reveal more as the child grows up, and the "why" of their story (why was I adopted, why couldn't my first family take care of me, why didn't my parents know each other...) usually starts to become more important around age 6-8.

She STRONGLY supported our efforts to try and get photos/interview transcripts from our placement agency (who have said that they have some of these kinds of materials and are compiling them into a video lifebook for B but they are "behind schedule").  All we really want are a few photos, but to date (9 months in!!!)we have not received them from our agency.  We are still working on this and are quite frustrated.

She suggested some strategies to help strengthen the bond between Ababa and B and Mama and B. We had read many of these in books and tried some, but it was a good reminder to keep doing these things, especially she suggested putting stickers on your face (just one or two small ones, like stick-on earring size) in different places each day, writing shaving cream "disguises"on mirrors and play with aligning your reflections on the disguises, hand feeding foods...

The bottle stays.  As long as B likes it and is making eye contact we should keep doing it.  I have to say that I am glad about this for now too as I love that special time with B:-)

Since Ababa doesn't do the bottle, she suggested him finding a special  toy/activity that he can regularly play with B.  She especially suggested a toy stroller that B and Ababa could play with together outside.  (Guess who is getting a toy stroller for Easter:-)

She also had great suggestions re how to continue our work of helping B to firmly attach to us while empowering him to explore the greater world and preparing him to build meaningful, fulfilling, and positive relationships in the future (no big task, right:-).  She suggested framing other people's roles more clearly.  E.g. right now we say, "your teacher is nice, but she's not our family.  Our family is mama, ababa, and B".  She suggested something like "Your teacher is nice.  Her job is to teach you lots of fun things and take care of you when mama and ababa are at work." and then restating our family mantras if needed.

She also suggested that 3 year olds are really visual, so it might help B to start to grasp extended family by drawing a poster diagram of concentric circles with us in the center and then circles going outward that include people like daycare providers, extended family, family in ethiopia, very close friends, etc.

She affirmed that we're handling things in a positive way when B is overly friendly to someone (gently redirecting him to us but not completely snatching him away from the situation, remaining neutral, not getting emotional/showing if our feelings are hurt...) and overall thinks that the rare times B is inappropriately friendly are due to a deep sense memory (maybe the sound of someone's laugh, or their smell, etc.) and that it's important for us to acknowledge that those are real feelings, we just need to show B how to process and act on them appropriately and to remind him that we are his family forever and ever.

In all, the hour was totally worth the $150 fee and we plan to keep getting yearly or bi-annual check-ups!

And, just because he's cuter than you can possibly imagine, here's my little man:-)  He's getting so big! Today he wore 4T pants (b/c we have a laundry situation:-) and they basically fit him!