Attachment Therapy

We went to attachment therapy today...we weren't sure what to expect, but it was great!

One of my professors in January just welcomed his second daughter through adoption from China over Christmas.  We were talking and he mentioned that they had found this attachment therapist to be really helpful when their older daughter joined their family, so I got her info.

After a significant game of phone tag b/c our phone availability absolutely did not mesh:-) we saw her this morning.  We just wanted to make sure that we were on the right track and to get some feedback/strategies to deal with a few specific questions/situations.

She was really helpful, respectful, insightful, and had specific and pragmatic suggestions.

Neither Ababa nor I had ever been to a therapist of any kind, so we weren't sure what to expect.

I had emailed her a full history of B and of our past 9 months as a family so that she would have some context ahead of time, and I included some specific questions we had.

We were 15 minutes late to the session (thank you Second Avenue subway construction! grrrr!!!)  but she was calm and gracious and engaged.

B played with a young social worker at the end of one hall, with the door open, and we sat in a living room-like room at the other end of the hall and spoke to the therapist.  

I thought that the first part of the session would be more of a play therapy/observation kind of thing, but she only observed our brief interactions arriving and getting B settled in the playroom, it was really more of a sit and talk kind of session.

Yes, there were phrases like "fully evolved" and "ego has been strengthened"bandied around, but all in all it was very practical.  It was also very nice to have most of our parenting choices affirmed and to get professional feedback that we are doing what's best for our child to help him grow and develop.  Overall, she thinks B and we are doing incredibly well, are securely attached, and are in a great place, but, as with all families, especially those with complex situations like adoption, there is work that can still be done.

We talked about some specific questions we had and got some interesting answers, here are a few highlights (disclaimer, I am not a professional, this is my understanding of the professional advice we received, every child and family is different):

Co-sleeping: As we thought, this should continue for as long as needed, and it is definitely still needed for our family.  She stressed that we should trust our intuition and we'll "know"when B is ready to sleep in his own bed at night, and it might not be for several more years and that's ok.  We are going to take it one month at a time (as much as we love snuggling with B at night, the thought of co-sleeping until age 8 or 10 is not really attractive to us:-) 

B doesn't get out of bed to come and get us if he needs anything (a big indicator that he's not totally comfortable/secure, and a significant detriment to night-time potty-training, sleeping in his own room at night, etc.).  He has started getting out of bed during nap sometimes to play with toys but he won't come get us.not ever.not once.not for potty.not for a drink.not if he feels sick.never...one suggestion she had was to take the toddler rail off of his bed.  Although he clearly has the dexterity to get out of bed with it on, she suggested that perhaps it is emotionally a reminder of orphanage life where he was most definitely required to quietly stay in bed and not ask for things (we saw this first hand).  She also said it might just take more time, and that's ok.

We have been faltering about how to tell B his story, the story of his birth, his first family in Ethiopia, and his adoption story.  I tend to overshare and make it too detailed for a 3 year old to understand (he understands that he grew in his Enat's tummy, but for some reason he also thinks I grew in Ababa's tummy!) and Ababa tends to not talk about it much.  She helped us find some language that strikes a good balance and that we're both comfortable with. She suggested that 3 year olds need really simple concrete language like:

 "Your ____ died and is in heaven now.   ______ took care of you but then they couldn't take care of you anymore so you stayed at the orphanage.  Sometimes you were happy and sometimes you were sad. Then mommy and daddy found you and we are a family now, forever and ever and ever.  Mommy and daddy love you so much"

or

"Your _____ lives in Ethiopia.  It's sad that we can't see them now.  Someday when you are older we can go and visit them." 

or

"Babies grow in their Enat's tummies.  You didn't grow in mommy's tummy, but you grew in mommy's soul.  Mommy will love you and take care of you forever and ever."

One scenario she described (which doesn't relate to B's situation, but I thought it was such a great example I wanted to share) is what to say to a child who is conceived through a non-consensual situation. 

I thought it was really helpful to see how the explanation unfolds so that it stays age appropriate but also builds a clear foundation so that it is not a shock for child to learn of these circumstances when they are older.  Of course ages/exact words are approximate:

-Age 3-your birth mommy and birth daddy didn't know each other (or didn't know each other very well)

-Age 6-your birth father didn't grow up in a house where he learned right from wrong. 

-Age 8-Your birth father didn't have good manners

-Age 10-Your birth father didn't ask permission to make a baby with your birth mother

-then when the child is a teen they can learn more details/terminology

She said that you reveal more as the child grows up, and the "why" of their story (why was I adopted, why couldn't my first family take care of me, why didn't my parents know each other...) usually starts to become more important around age 6-8.

She STRONGLY supported our efforts to try and get photos/interview transcripts from our placement agency (who have said that they have some of these kinds of materials and are compiling them into a video lifebook for B but they are "behind schedule").  All we really want are a few photos, but to date (9 months in!!!)we have not received them from our agency.  We are still working on this and are quite frustrated.

She suggested some strategies to help strengthen the bond between Ababa and B and Mama and B. We had read many of these in books and tried some, but it was a good reminder to keep doing these things, especially she suggested putting stickers on your face (just one or two small ones, like stick-on earring size) in different places each day, writing shaving cream "disguises"on mirrors and play with aligning your reflections on the disguises, hand feeding foods...

The bottle stays.  As long as B likes it and is making eye contact we should keep doing it.  I have to say that I am glad about this for now too as I love that special time with B:-)

Since Ababa doesn't do the bottle, she suggested him finding a special  toy/activity that he can regularly play with B.  She especially suggested a toy stroller that B and Ababa could play with together outside.  (Guess who is getting a toy stroller for Easter:-)

She also had great suggestions re how to continue our work of helping B to firmly attach to us while empowering him to explore the greater world and preparing him to build meaningful, fulfilling, and positive relationships in the future (no big task, right:-).  She suggested framing other people's roles more clearly.  E.g. right now we say, "your teacher is nice, but she's not our family.  Our family is mama, ababa, and B".  She suggested something like "Your teacher is nice.  Her job is to teach you lots of fun things and take care of you when mama and ababa are at work." and then restating our family mantras if needed.

She also suggested that 3 year olds are really visual, so it might help B to start to grasp extended family by drawing a poster diagram of concentric circles with us in the center and then circles going outward that include people like daycare providers, extended family, family in ethiopia, very close friends, etc.

She affirmed that we're handling things in a positive way when B is overly friendly to someone (gently redirecting him to us but not completely snatching him away from the situation, remaining neutral, not getting emotional/showing if our feelings are hurt...) and overall thinks that the rare times B is inappropriately friendly are due to a deep sense memory (maybe the sound of someone's laugh, or their smell, etc.) and that it's important for us to acknowledge that those are real feelings, we just need to show B how to process and act on them appropriately and to remind him that we are his family forever and ever.

In all, the hour was totally worth the $150 fee and we plan to keep getting yearly or bi-annual check-ups!

And, just because he's cuter than you can possibly imagine, here's my little man:-)  He's getting so big! Today he wore 4T pants (b/c we have a laundry situation:-) and they basically fit him!

The Theater:-)

Still busy, still can't find my camera cable to transfer photos to my laptop, still tired...but today was magic.

I wasn't working (yay!), I was just spending time with my baby while Ababa tackled Mount Laundry.  We all slept in, had a leisurely bottle/breakfast, got dressed, and then B and I took the A-train, and went to "the theater"!

We went to see a holiday dance tradition in NYC (not the one you are probably thinking of:-) and B LOVED it!!!!  He "looked with his eyes, listened with his ears, and whispered any questions to mommy".  He was a total champ!  ADORABLE to see him clapping after each piece, unable to hide his gleeful dancing and finger tapping in the seat with his eyes as big as saucers and a huge grin on his face.

And then...he got a backstage tour, got to meet some of the dancers, and got to walk out on to the stage.

Then...the day got even better.  We went to Whole Foods (his first time there and my first time there since before we went to Africa), we got vegan (Egg-free) chocolate chip cookies that are actually REALLY yummy and brought home the fixings for a delicious dinner:

Frozen organic pizza
arugula salad (that also used up some leftover mozerella cheese and apples we had at home)
the aforementioned vegan chocolate chip cookies

Yes, I feel like a total yuppie, but we had a great time!

B has been dancing around with a huge smile on his face all day...and...for one of the few days since I went back to work I actually feel relaxed and like I got to spend some real quality time with my son!

He was great, especially in terms of bonding/attachment stuff--held my hand (as opposed to me holding his), checked-in with me, watched me if I wasn't holding his hand, stayed near me when I let go of his hand to put something in our grocery basket...no tantrums, no whining, no brushing my kisses off, no tensing up when I touch him, even though he didn't have a nap and had a crazy, overstimulating day...just smiles, happy talking, eye contact, and giggles...I'm sure we'll have more tough days ahead, but today was just awesome!

So happy!!!

Thank you God for this amazing blessing!

(and Ababa had a relaxing day at home doing lots of laundry but taking a break from B which he was most ready for!!!)

First World Problems...and however many million orphans...

Since we've been back in the US, life has been challenging in many ways.  In terms of bonding, attachment, becoming a family, we've been doing pretty well, 1. b/c of God's grace ('cause goodness knows we are far from perfect parents) and 2. b/c we've been working very hard on those things in positive, age-appropriate ways and in keeping B's world as close and Mama/Ababa centric as possible.  He's still figuring out what a family is and how to be part of one and we are still trying to figure out how to be his parents:-)  He may look quiet and shy and like we're one big happy family and everything is ok when we are out and about.  He's not, we're not, it's not, and we are all working very hard and processing a lot.   Please remember this and be sensitive.

Coming home from Ethiopia was hard for me.  We lived there for 3 months.  I went from 24/7 with B to back at work at a crazy job and on a good day only getting to see him for 30-60 minutes in the morning and about 1-1.5 hours in the evening.  I'm wading through insurance paperwork, readoption paperwork, our finances, post-placement report scheduling, figuring out childcare, making decisions about my school schedule and how I am going to finish my MBA (oh yeah, life is going to get even more "fun" in January), and trying to spend every minute I can at home with B b/c I feel like I don't have nearly enough time with him.

Ababa has been a great SAHD and is rocking out in his EMT class and figuring out his classes for January, but we're still navigating all the other aspects that go along with him being the stay at home parent and figuring out how to shift some of this crazy load from my plate onto his.

Last week I had one particularly awful day where I got stuck at work with my boss on one of the craziest tirades ever, waited for a subway for 40 minutes, made Ababa late for class and he missed a quiz, he had burned dinner and not done the laundry (which meant no clean pajamas or diapers for B), and when I met him by his class to hand-off/pick-up B I was near tears.  It didn't get better as he told me about dinner and the laundry and I walked home while pushing a cranky B (did I mention that transitions are still pretty tough for B?).

I felt exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated.  I was fighting back tears and on the verge of just sitting on a stoop and crying.  A giant rat ran in front of us which B was convinced was a squirrel and thought was great, me not so much!  I ordered a pizza and kept it together enough to feed B, play with him, give him a bath, and put him to bed (in a disposable diaper I found in the closet, a long sleeved tshirt, a pair of babylegs, and an extra blanket).

Then I pretty much zoned out on the couch (literally, like clutch a pillow and stare into space zone out, b/c your brain is to fried to do anything) until Ababa got home and we discussed how to make things better and not have so much of this fall on me right now.  We're still figuring that out, but we're working on it.

The thing that is especially weird/hard/poignant/unfathomable...is that while I am stressed about all these things in my life, I am painfully aware of how insignificant these things really are.  We saw suffering and poverty that I couldn't even imagine while we were in Ethiopia.  We became very aware of the vast number of orphans (147 million is that statistic frequently bandied around, though that number is significantly larger than the number of orphans who need/are legally free to be adopted and significantly smaller than the number of people who live in abject poverty).  How do we help them?  How do I freak out about not spending enough time with my son and about my insane job and about our $1250 a month health insurance premium (yes, you read that number right!) when I have seen people who don't have enough to eat or drink, who can't walk, who are covered with visible tumors, who have nowhere to sleep and no one to love them or take care of them.

When I learn of orphans like the 6 month old baby in the DRC who was deliberately thrown into a deep cistern and left to die (he was rescued but was infested with maggots and will likely have long-term medical issues from that) or the precious little girl I met while in ET who was given to a witch doctor by her mother and was horrifically mistreated by him, and is now stuck in an orphanage but not able to be adopted (despite there being a family in the US who met her and desperately want to adopt her) or the little girl in fostercare her in NYC who has been returned to her birthmother but continues to be neglected and while the fostermother (who would be overjoyed to adopt her and/or to be part of her life) is still in her life in someways is very limited in how she can help.

How do my problems fit into this much larger web of problems?  Our world is sick and broken and in need of redemption!  That's really all I know.

Two videos that pretty much sum this week up for me (the first is about first world problems and the second was my anthem in ET.  They played it my first week at church in Addis and the tears just rolled down my cheeks for about 1000 reasons).

B-isms

Life as a family of three is going great.  We're doing well with bonding; spending time together; introducing B to our friends, family, and neighborhood, and learning how to be a family...we're not doing to great with laundry; responding to calls, emails, or gifts; or giving people detailed accounts of our time in Addis.  My job is very demanding and has proven to be very unfamily friendly right now, Ababa's EMT class is going well but very busy for him.  So, it's taking all we've got right now to focus on our family.  Hopefully in the next few months we'll start getting the other things together:-)

For now, here are a few photos and B-isms to introduce you to our amazing little guy.

B is a HUGE sponge and mimic.  He's pretty much fluent in English now and is great at letting you know what he wants.  He also repeats EVERYTHING, so mama is working on cleaning up her potty mouth (which needed to happen anyway).  Some our favorite B-isms are below.

"Mama, Happy Birthday Cake" "More candles...candles are fire...mama, candles"
I heard this for about 2 hours a day, EVERYDAY during our last month in Ethiopia as B's favorite activity was making playdough brithday cakes with candles (which meant I made the cakes and candles and then he cut them into little pieces).  B celebrated 3 birthday parties for other little kids and figured out really quickly the joys of birthday parties (namely cake and fire).  Since he's severely allergic to eggs, he only had cake once (only in Ethiopia is it common and relatively easy to get a "fasting" cake which has no milk or dairy:-)  We celebrated Ababa's birthday tonight with an egg-free Wacky Cake (mommy's recipe from college, cheap, easy, and yummy). B isn't really scowling, he just makes a serious face for pictures while saying "mommy, I smile"...and yes, mommy-fail, we had no birthday candles in the house (note to self-must rectify before B's birthday later this month) so I just stuck a taper in the middle of the cake.  It kind of looked like a torch:-)

B has discovered the joy of the playground, especially the slide.  he also got his first playground injury.  As you can see from this pic, he decided after many runs down the slide to mix it up by switching from seated on his bottom to lying on his tummy MID-SLIDE!  Yeah, not a great idea!  He wacked his face on the slide and got a bloody nose. (It's a sad miracle that I caught this moment on camera as we take pics with our crappy cell phone cameras that have 5 second delays on all photos, since our digital camera sucks the life out of batteries like no other...we're saving to get a new digital camera for Christmas:-)

We are still co-sleeping and I have to say it has greatly helped bonding, sleeping, and fostering a sense of family...but...B drools...ALOT...'nough said!

I was very sick for about a week after we got back from Ethiopia.  Once I was feeling better, we ordered pizza from Dominos one night.  The online order ticker was Pirate-themed and a parrot keept squacking "Auck, prepping your order".  B thought that was HILARIOUS and now walks around the house randomly saying "Auck, pemping your ordah"...B is a great eater.  Loves anything with fish and rice (his two favorite foods), soups, stews (like Ethiopian wats, Indian dals, chili, etc.) and he loves fruit (especially, apples, pears, oranges, plums, tomatoes...).  He also loves corn on the cob and chicken.  He cleaned his corn cob the very first time and had his first drumstick the other day.  He sucked the bones dry and even ate the cartilege!  The only foods that he really hates so far are pasta, cheese, pickles, and peaches.

He repeats everything we say, but doesn't always get the meaning quite right.  So, currently he says "that's gis-dusting" when he thinks something is good (b/c I say "that's disgusting" when something is yucky:-) and "mommy, that's Masty" when something is funny (b/c I say "that's nasty" when something is yucky:-)

We just started official pottytraining today (he has pooped in the potty ever since we met him, but pee is usually in his diaper:-(  He loves the book "Everybody Poops" (which Ababa and I think is kind of disturbing and gross).  We started rewarding him today when his diaper is dry AND he pees in the potty and he had a dry diaper all day.  So, we'll see.  After 3 months of diapers, and at almost 3 years old, it'd be awesome if he was potty-trained.  But, if he needs more time that's fine with us too...For now, we are using the bigger diapers in the awesome cloth diaper stash I amassed during the past 2 years and we're learning the joys of cloth diapering in the city...