Attachment Therapy

We went to attachment therapy today...we weren't sure what to expect, but it was great!

One of my professors in January just welcomed his second daughter through adoption from China over Christmas.  We were talking and he mentioned that they had found this attachment therapist to be really helpful when their older daughter joined their family, so I got her info.

After a significant game of phone tag b/c our phone availability absolutely did not mesh:-) we saw her this morning.  We just wanted to make sure that we were on the right track and to get some feedback/strategies to deal with a few specific questions/situations.

She was really helpful, respectful, insightful, and had specific and pragmatic suggestions.

Neither Ababa nor I had ever been to a therapist of any kind, so we weren't sure what to expect.

I had emailed her a full history of B and of our past 9 months as a family so that she would have some context ahead of time, and I included some specific questions we had.

We were 15 minutes late to the session (thank you Second Avenue subway construction! grrrr!!!)  but she was calm and gracious and engaged.

B played with a young social worker at the end of one hall, with the door open, and we sat in a living room-like room at the other end of the hall and spoke to the therapist.  

I thought that the first part of the session would be more of a play therapy/observation kind of thing, but she only observed our brief interactions arriving and getting B settled in the playroom, it was really more of a sit and talk kind of session.

Yes, there were phrases like "fully evolved" and "ego has been strengthened"bandied around, but all in all it was very practical.  It was also very nice to have most of our parenting choices affirmed and to get professional feedback that we are doing what's best for our child to help him grow and develop.  Overall, she thinks B and we are doing incredibly well, are securely attached, and are in a great place, but, as with all families, especially those with complex situations like adoption, there is work that can still be done.

We talked about some specific questions we had and got some interesting answers, here are a few highlights (disclaimer, I am not a professional, this is my understanding of the professional advice we received, every child and family is different):

Co-sleeping: As we thought, this should continue for as long as needed, and it is definitely still needed for our family.  She stressed that we should trust our intuition and we'll "know"when B is ready to sleep in his own bed at night, and it might not be for several more years and that's ok.  We are going to take it one month at a time (as much as we love snuggling with B at night, the thought of co-sleeping until age 8 or 10 is not really attractive to us:-) 

B doesn't get out of bed to come and get us if he needs anything (a big indicator that he's not totally comfortable/secure, and a significant detriment to night-time potty-training, sleeping in his own room at night, etc.).  He has started getting out of bed during nap sometimes to play with toys but he won't come get us.not ever.not once.not for potty.not for a drink.not if he feels sick.never...one suggestion she had was to take the toddler rail off of his bed.  Although he clearly has the dexterity to get out of bed with it on, she suggested that perhaps it is emotionally a reminder of orphanage life where he was most definitely required to quietly stay in bed and not ask for things (we saw this first hand).  She also said it might just take more time, and that's ok.

We have been faltering about how to tell B his story, the story of his birth, his first family in Ethiopia, and his adoption story.  I tend to overshare and make it too detailed for a 3 year old to understand (he understands that he grew in his Enat's tummy, but for some reason he also thinks I grew in Ababa's tummy!) and Ababa tends to not talk about it much.  She helped us find some language that strikes a good balance and that we're both comfortable with. She suggested that 3 year olds need really simple concrete language like:

 "Your ____ died and is in heaven now.   ______ took care of you but then they couldn't take care of you anymore so you stayed at the orphanage.  Sometimes you were happy and sometimes you were sad. Then mommy and daddy found you and we are a family now, forever and ever and ever.  Mommy and daddy love you so much"

or

"Your _____ lives in Ethiopia.  It's sad that we can't see them now.  Someday when you are older we can go and visit them." 

or

"Babies grow in their Enat's tummies.  You didn't grow in mommy's tummy, but you grew in mommy's soul.  Mommy will love you and take care of you forever and ever."

One scenario she described (which doesn't relate to B's situation, but I thought it was such a great example I wanted to share) is what to say to a child who is conceived through a non-consensual situation. 

I thought it was really helpful to see how the explanation unfolds so that it stays age appropriate but also builds a clear foundation so that it is not a shock for child to learn of these circumstances when they are older.  Of course ages/exact words are approximate:

-Age 3-your birth mommy and birth daddy didn't know each other (or didn't know each other very well)

-Age 6-your birth father didn't grow up in a house where he learned right from wrong. 

-Age 8-Your birth father didn't have good manners

-Age 10-Your birth father didn't ask permission to make a baby with your birth mother

-then when the child is a teen they can learn more details/terminology

She said that you reveal more as the child grows up, and the "why" of their story (why was I adopted, why couldn't my first family take care of me, why didn't my parents know each other...) usually starts to become more important around age 6-8.

She STRONGLY supported our efforts to try and get photos/interview transcripts from our placement agency (who have said that they have some of these kinds of materials and are compiling them into a video lifebook for B but they are "behind schedule").  All we really want are a few photos, but to date (9 months in!!!)we have not received them from our agency.  We are still working on this and are quite frustrated.

She suggested some strategies to help strengthen the bond between Ababa and B and Mama and B. We had read many of these in books and tried some, but it was a good reminder to keep doing these things, especially she suggested putting stickers on your face (just one or two small ones, like stick-on earring size) in different places each day, writing shaving cream "disguises"on mirrors and play with aligning your reflections on the disguises, hand feeding foods...

The bottle stays.  As long as B likes it and is making eye contact we should keep doing it.  I have to say that I am glad about this for now too as I love that special time with B:-)

Since Ababa doesn't do the bottle, she suggested him finding a special  toy/activity that he can regularly play with B.  She especially suggested a toy stroller that B and Ababa could play with together outside.  (Guess who is getting a toy stroller for Easter:-)

She also had great suggestions re how to continue our work of helping B to firmly attach to us while empowering him to explore the greater world and preparing him to build meaningful, fulfilling, and positive relationships in the future (no big task, right:-).  She suggested framing other people's roles more clearly.  E.g. right now we say, "your teacher is nice, but she's not our family.  Our family is mama, ababa, and B".  She suggested something like "Your teacher is nice.  Her job is to teach you lots of fun things and take care of you when mama and ababa are at work." and then restating our family mantras if needed.

She also suggested that 3 year olds are really visual, so it might help B to start to grasp extended family by drawing a poster diagram of concentric circles with us in the center and then circles going outward that include people like daycare providers, extended family, family in ethiopia, very close friends, etc.

She affirmed that we're handling things in a positive way when B is overly friendly to someone (gently redirecting him to us but not completely snatching him away from the situation, remaining neutral, not getting emotional/showing if our feelings are hurt...) and overall thinks that the rare times B is inappropriately friendly are due to a deep sense memory (maybe the sound of someone's laugh, or their smell, etc.) and that it's important for us to acknowledge that those are real feelings, we just need to show B how to process and act on them appropriately and to remind him that we are his family forever and ever.

In all, the hour was totally worth the $150 fee and we plan to keep getting yearly or bi-annual check-ups!

And, just because he's cuter than you can possibly imagine, here's my little man:-)  He's getting so big! Today he wore 4T pants (b/c we have a laundry situation:-) and they basically fit him!

The Theater:-)

Still busy, still can't find my camera cable to transfer photos to my laptop, still tired...but today was magic.

I wasn't working (yay!), I was just spending time with my baby while Ababa tackled Mount Laundry.  We all slept in, had a leisurely bottle/breakfast, got dressed, and then B and I took the A-train, and went to "the theater"!

We went to see a holiday dance tradition in NYC (not the one you are probably thinking of:-) and B LOVED it!!!!  He "looked with his eyes, listened with his ears, and whispered any questions to mommy".  He was a total champ!  ADORABLE to see him clapping after each piece, unable to hide his gleeful dancing and finger tapping in the seat with his eyes as big as saucers and a huge grin on his face.

And then...he got a backstage tour, got to meet some of the dancers, and got to walk out on to the stage.

Then...the day got even better.  We went to Whole Foods (his first time there and my first time there since before we went to Africa), we got vegan (Egg-free) chocolate chip cookies that are actually REALLY yummy and brought home the fixings for a delicious dinner:

Frozen organic pizza
arugula salad (that also used up some leftover mozerella cheese and apples we had at home)
the aforementioned vegan chocolate chip cookies

Yes, I feel like a total yuppie, but we had a great time!

B has been dancing around with a huge smile on his face all day...and...for one of the few days since I went back to work I actually feel relaxed and like I got to spend some real quality time with my son!

He was great, especially in terms of bonding/attachment stuff--held my hand (as opposed to me holding his), checked-in with me, watched me if I wasn't holding his hand, stayed near me when I let go of his hand to put something in our grocery basket...no tantrums, no whining, no brushing my kisses off, no tensing up when I touch him, even though he didn't have a nap and had a crazy, overstimulating day...just smiles, happy talking, eye contact, and giggles...I'm sure we'll have more tough days ahead, but today was just awesome!

So happy!!!

Thank you God for this amazing blessing!

(and Ababa had a relaxing day at home doing lots of laundry but taking a break from B which he was most ready for!!!)

Attachment, parenting, and jumping into life with a toddler 101...

Claudia over at My Fascinating Life started a really interesting blog symposia on attachment.

Since attachment is a huge topic in the adoption world, and since it is something that can be an obvious challenge for older adopted kids, I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon.  I totally reserve the right to change my mind on all parenting matters:-)

Attachment of a family is a nebulous and tricky thing.  How do you really know if a child is attached to the parents and parents to a child?  What makes a child, especially one that is not related by genes, your child as opposed to a child you love very much but are perennially babysitting? What makes a child decide they are part of you, of your family, of your heart, and not walk up to strangers in the grocery store and ask them to be their new mama?  How do you know deep down what you feel, what your child feels?  How does a scared, grieving toddler whose entire life has been turned upside down and moved across the world build these delicate gossamer threads of attachment?  How do Mamas and Ababas make parenting choices that foster strong and positive attachment in themselves and their child?

Hmmmmmmmm....?

These are the questions we are currently grappling with, researching, interviewing, reading, hypothesizing, and trying to articulate.  Also, how do you do these things in a genuine, responsible, and loving way that doesn't feel like you are trying to brainwash your child...(Also, is it a bad thing, and is it even possible, to positively brainwash a child? I'm not going to touch that one for now:-)


After about $200 in purchases from Amazon.com, hours of reading, and months of soul searching, we still don't have the answers, but we have assembled a basic toolkit of techniques that will hopefully help Mama, Ababa, and B (and even Woosha) all begin to attach to each other as a family.

Since we have several months (please, Dear God let our I-171H be here tomorrow, our paperwork be processed quickly, and us pass court before the rainy season!) before B comes home we'll explore these an many others in greater detail in the coming weeks/months.

But, here's the quick and dirty, Cliff Notes version.  (Disclaimer: We are not really quite this level of earthy-crunchy granola people--well, I might like to be, but DH is firmly not in that camp:-)

The best tip we've gleaned so far, is that B will probably be functioning at several different "ages", namely his actual age (which hopefully is close to the age reported on his paperwork, but may not be), his developmental age (which is probably several months or even a year behind), and his family age (which won't start until we assume custody of him).  So, when we become B's parents it is likely that we will have an almost 3 year old, who is developmentally a 2 year old, and whose family age is a brand spanking newborn!

Removing prenatal experiences (which have been proven to strongly impact children and parent's attachment), hormones, and the somewhat egotistical, but also very real, attachment prompted by parent's recognizing their own genetic traits in their child, newborns demand and require constant activities that facilitate attachment.  Skin to skin contact, cradled holding (especially with their head near the parents' heart), 24/7 care by parents for at least the first few months, frequent feedings with prolonged eye contact, and interaction throughout the day and night that prompts eye and skin contact at regular intervals.  For at least the first 6-12 weeks of a newborn's life, a parent's job is just loving and caring for this tiny, demanding, needy, helpless, creature.

Hmmm....

B will not be a passive, needy, little baby.  He'll be an active, hurt, confused, grieving, jetlagged toddler who probably doesn't know how to play with toys and will have lost any language communication advantage he had in his native language and culture.  How do we spend hours practicing skin to skin contact, eye contact, interaction, and constant holding with this child?!?!?!?!? Have you met a 2 year old? or a 3 year old? or an almost 3 year old who is developmentally closer to a just turned 2 year old?  They are obstinate, active, and constantly on the move!  How do we help B understand that we are his family forever, his Mama, his Ababa, his family!?!?!?!?

YIKES!

The short answer is, we have no idea.  The slightly longer answer is our strategy is to recognize that anything we try will need to be customized to B's unique needs, personality, and situation.  So, we'll have to constantly refine our strategy on the fly.  The longer answer (our Cliff Notes tips) is below:

1. We are going to co-sleep for the first 3-6 months home (much like we would with a newborn)--either in our bed on my side, or in a packnplay right next to our bed--of course we will follow all guidelines on safe co-sleeping.

2. We are going to babywear and carry B for as long as is possible.  (Yes, I will be that granola mom toting a 5 year old around in a carrier if he'll let me!)  To that end, we have acquired several awesome carriers--a Sleepy Wrap, Boba toddler carrier (which I think will be our #1 go-to carrier), and a Catbird Mei Tai.  If we can score one for cheap on ebay we are also interested in a Scootababy hip carrier...

3. We are going to give B a bottle (or bottle-like sippy cup) in the morning and evening, with lots of cuddling, cradle holding, eye contact, and snuggles, ideally for his first year home.

4. We will limit B's interaction with other people at first (yes, this may include immediate family and close friends, yes this might mean that we are the only ones that will feed him, hold him, kiss his boo-boos, put him to bed, and meet any and all of his needs, yes this gets REALLY complicated when you factor in the fact that he will likely be in daycare after the first 3 months--we're still figuring out the best way to approach that!). Hopefully the carrier will help with limiting his interaction with others at first and hopefully our friends and family will understand--we'll definitely post more about this when it is closer to when B comes home.


5. We will interact with B using books, toys, and activities that are appropriate for a variety of ages birth-3 years old to see what will work best for B, teach him to play, and help him and us to engage (and shh...don't tell...begin bonding and attaching) with each other.

We fully anticipate that it will be hard, complicated, and full of dead-ends and wrong turns.  But, we'll do the best we can and have faith that we and B will become a securely attached family!  Like most things in life, attachment is more about the journey than the destination.  There's not a clear sign that says sunshine, roses, puppies, and lollipops--we have arrived in secure attachment land!  Attachment issues can rear their complicated head again and again, it's more a spiral corkscrew than a straight road...

P.S. lest you think adoptive families have all the attachment fun, the term and strategies regarding attachment challenges and disorders actually originated with diagnoses of children who were born into their forever families.  Yep, that's right, these very same issues can also occur in much loved and wanted biological children who are raised by their birth families in secure and stable environments.  Although factors like separation of mother and child after birth (often due to birth complications in the mother or child) can be very strong, a large determining factor is simply the child's natural personality and resilience....

B we can't wait to meet you (and we are hoping that you are resilient; flexible; and enjoy snuggles, eye contact, the Boba carrier, and being cuddled in cradle holds, but if you aren't we'll figure it out and develop strategies that help us all attach to each other as a family!)