Claudia over at
My Fascinating Life started a really interesting blog symposia on attachment.
Since attachment is a huge topic in the adoption world, and since it is something that can be an obvious challenge for older adopted kids, I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon. I totally reserve the right to change my mind on all parenting matters:-)
Attachment of a family is a nebulous and tricky thing. How do you really know if a child is attached to the parents and parents to a child? What makes a child, especially one that is not related by genes,
your child as opposed to a child you love very much but are perennially babysitting? What makes a child decide they are part of you, of your family, of your heart, and not walk up to strangers in the grocery store and ask them to be their new mama? How do you know deep down what you feel, what your child feels? How does a scared, grieving toddler whose entire life has been turned upside down and moved across the world build these delicate gossamer threads of attachment? How do Mamas and Ababas make parenting choices that foster strong and positive attachment in themselves and their child?
Hmmmmmmmm....?
These are the questions we are currently grappling with, researching, interviewing, reading, hypothesizing, and trying to articulate. Also, how do you do these things in a genuine, responsible, and loving way that doesn't feel like you are trying to brainwash your child...
(Also, is it a bad thing, and is it even possible, to positively brainwash a child? I'm not going to touch that one for now:-)
After about $200 in purchases from Amazon.com, hours of reading, and months of soul searching, we still don't have the answers, but we have assembled a basic toolkit of techniques that will hopefully help Mama, Ababa, and B (and even Woosha) all begin to attach to each other as a family.
Since we have several months (please, Dear God let our I-171H be here tomorrow, our paperwork be processed quickly, and us pass court before the rainy season!) before B comes home we'll explore these an many others in greater detail in the coming weeks/months.
But, here's the quick and dirty, Cliff Notes version.
(Disclaimer: We are not really quite this level of earthy-crunchy granola people--well, I might like to be, but DH is firmly not in that camp:-)
The best tip we've gleaned so far, is that B will probably be functioning at several different "ages", namely his actual age (which hopefully is close to the age reported on his paperwork, but may not be), his developmental age (which is probably several months or even a year behind), and his family age (which won't start until we assume custody of him). So, when we become B's parents it is likely that we will have an almost 3 year old, who is developmentally a 2 year old, and whose family age is a brand spanking newborn!
Removing prenatal experiences (which have been proven to strongly impact children and parent's attachment), hormones, and the somewhat egotistical, but also very real, attachment prompted by parent's recognizing their own genetic traits in their child, newborns demand and require constant activities that facilitate attachment. Skin to skin contact, cradled holding (especially with their head near the parents' heart), 24/7 care by parents for at least the first few months, frequent feedings with prolonged eye contact, and interaction throughout the day and night that prompts eye and skin contact at regular intervals. For at least the first 6-12 weeks of a newborn's life, a parent's job is just loving and caring for this tiny, demanding, needy, helpless, creature.
Hmmm....
B will not be a passive, needy, little baby. He'll be an active, hurt, confused, grieving, jetlagged toddler who probably doesn't know how to play with toys and will have lost any language communication advantage he had in his native language and culture. How do we spend hours practicing skin to skin contact, eye contact, interaction, and constant holding with this child?!?!?!?!? Have you met a 2 year old? or a 3 year old? or an almost 3 year old who is developmentally closer to a just turned 2 year old? They are obstinate, active, and constantly on the move! How do we help B understand that we are
his family forever,
his Mama, his Ababa,
his family!?!?!?!?
YIKES!
The short answer is, we have no idea. The slightly longer answer is our strategy is to recognize that anything we try will need to be customized to B's unique needs, personality, and situation. So, we'll have to constantly refine our strategy on the fly. The longer answer (our Cliff Notes tips) is below:
1. We are going to co-sleep for the first 3-6 months home (much like we would with a newborn)--either in our bed on my side, or in a packnplay right next to our bed--of course we will follow all guidelines on safe co-sleeping.
2. We are going to babywear and carry B for as long as is possible. (Yes, I will be that granola mom toting a 5 year old around in a carrier if he'll let me!) To that end, we have acquired several awesome carriers--a Sleepy Wrap, Boba toddler carrier (which I think will be our #1 go-to carrier), and a Catbird Mei Tai. If we can score one for cheap on ebay we are also interested in a Scootababy hip carrier...
3. We are going to give B a bottle (or bottle-like sippy cup) in the morning and evening, with lots of cuddling, cradle holding, eye contact, and snuggles, ideally for his first year home.
4. We will limit B's interaction with other people at first (yes, this may include immediate family and close friends, yes this might mean that we are the only ones that will feed him, hold him, kiss his boo-boos, put him to bed, and meet any and all of his needs, yes this gets REALLY complicated when you factor in the fact that he will likely be in daycare after the first 3 months--we're still figuring out the best way to approach that!). Hopefully the carrier will help with limiting his interaction with others at first and hopefully our friends and family will understand--
we'll definitely post more about this when it is closer to when B comes home.
5. We will interact with B using books, toys, and activities that are appropriate for a variety of ages birth-3 years old to see what will work best for B, teach him to play, and help him and us to engage (and shh...don't tell...begin bonding and attaching) with each other.
We fully anticipate that it will be hard, complicated, and full of dead-ends and wrong turns. But, we'll do the best we can and have faith that we and B will become a securely attached family! Like most things in life, attachment is more about the journey than the destination. There's not a clear sign that says sunshine, roses, puppies, and lollipops--we have arrived in secure attachment land! Attachment issues can rear their complicated head again and again, it's more a spiral corkscrew than a straight road...
P.S. lest you think adoptive families have all the attachment fun, the term and strategies regarding attachment challenges and disorders actually originated with diagnoses of children who were born into their forever families. Yep, that's right, these very same issues can also occur in much loved and wanted biological children who are raised by their birth families in secure and stable environments. Although factors like separation of mother and child after birth (often due to birth complications in the mother or child) can be very strong, a large determining factor is simply the child's natural personality and resilience....
B we can't wait to meet you (and we are hoping that you are resilient; flexible; and enjoy snuggles, eye contact, the Boba carrier, and being cuddled in cradle holds, but if you aren't we'll figure it out and develop strategies that help us all attach to each other as a family!)
